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little epiphanies

10 Nov 2013

So I was meditating on Saturday morning at the SF Zen Center, and it was a tough session because I haven't been practicing as consistently in the past few weeks as I had been over the summer and early fall, so my mind kept wandering and I kept not noticing it take off.

I was getting lost in my thoughts (it didn't help that I was seated in the hallway outside the zendo, since I was too shy to enter the zendo late (but not too late)) and was surprised at how silent it is in the zendo compared to the hall, since there is the outside door opening and closing often, and voices echoing through the halls, and the sounds of meals being prepared and squishy sandal footsteps. There is so much to do lately, and I really needed to change the catbox and vaccuum at home, not to mention clean off my home desk, finish the book I'm reading so I can read the others that just came in the mail, continue making progress on the sprint at work, practice drawing, call my parents, ride my bike, work on my side projects, cure cancer, save the world, work out more, and maybe sleep, idk.

The thought arose: I'm here, so I should do what I came here to do. It was a moment of clarity in the midst of that squinting, tensing whirlwind of needs and to-dos. I'd gotten up early, showered, dressed, and hurried to the Center so I could sit on a cushion with dozens of other people and practice meditation. All the other things, obligations and wants, they could wait. I knew what they were; they'd be waiting when I was done. There is time enough for all of them.

It was a good thought. It wasn't like I became enlightened or attained nirvana -- I still became distracted and my thoughts wandered back and away for the rest of the session. But it was a bit easier to come back to my breath and focus. Deliberation in action. Mindfulness.

These little epiphanies are what keep me coming back to meditation.